all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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