I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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