i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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