I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
