Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
