she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
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