I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
