God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
