His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
