meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize
