I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
