as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
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