considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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