11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Randomize
