So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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