Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
