I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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