is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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