She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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