i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
