you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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