Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Lol i have proven this trip that I can meet a chick and fuck her within 72 hours no matter where she lives
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
