"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
