I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
