how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
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