my room smells like sperm. sweet.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
