now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
