You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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