I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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