ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
