When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
I'm having to shit out rocks
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