matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
