New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just took my morning after pill in the library
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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