my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
