Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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