when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
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