part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
