If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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