is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
That shit is worth it...they got medicine for that now a days
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
how do you play pong handcuffed?
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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