Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
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