and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
