Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
