i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
