i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
God, I missed his penis.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
Randomize
