This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
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