Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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