i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
Slut skills are useful in every country.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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