I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
