Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
i don't think it's normal to still be missing spring break.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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