The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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